Open Adoption: Not So Simple Math

A topic that I have been meaning to spend more time thinking about biblically and practically is open adoption. None of our 3 adoptions are open but there are moments that I wonder what it would it would be like if they were. There are moments I kind of wish they were so I can talk to their birthmothers and thank them. There are moments that I realize that we are in connected in a deep way with these women we have never met. I wonder if our children will want to meet them one day and what that will be like for them, and for their birthmoms – and for us.

This is a beautiful and honest article by a birthmom about open adoption. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Here is an excerpt:

Holly jokes that with open adoption, at least you know what the birth mother is doing, that she’s busy at school and not conceiving a plot to steal her child back. It’s not so with closed adoptions; the birth mother is powerfully absent. But an open process forces an adoptive parent to confront the pain that adoption is built on. And openness for Holly does not mean merely letting the birth mother know about her child; it means cultivating a real love between birth parents and child. This requires exceptional commitment, which may be why some open adoptions become closed in the end.

I LOVE Holly for sharing such things with me, sentiments that show she is devoted to our relationship — and not because it is easy for her. And I have told her that a pivotal point in my grief was the moment I was able to say aloud that I wanted my son back, though I knew it was impossible — when I realized that his adoption had been both my greatest accomplishment and deepest regret.

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3 thoughts on “Open Adoption: Not So Simple Math

  1. Hi, I’m the Holly. Just wanted to say that our commitment to openness came, in important ways, out of practice of our faith. I think this is something that Christian groups who advocate for adoption should talk more about…

  2. Thank you for sharing this!!!!!
    4 and a half years ago I prayed that God would show me if the theory of closed adoptions being “best” was wrong….That He would change my mind about all of the psychology and ideas put forth by so many in that regard, if He wanted. And He totally did. And I’m so grateful….On Sept 1st our foster-to-adopt son’s Mom(“S”) will be losing her parental rights. She has been fighting, to the best of her mental ability, for her son for almost 2 years. We, meanwhile, have been praying for her, loving her, hoping the best for her, and all the time, at the SAME time, hoping and praying that the right child would find his or her way into our home and be able to stay. Our relationship with “S” could not be better, it has been such an incredible time. So hard and so amazing. And now as we come to the end of this particular time of fostering, if God allows, “S” WILL be part of our family, she will see her son, he will know his birthMom.

  3. Pingback: New York Times Article on Open Adoption « Awaka in Oz

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